Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
