Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
