Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
