I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
