You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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