i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Blood and glitter go together right?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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