You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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