dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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