apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
