Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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