This is not my ceiling
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
