that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
