I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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