He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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