I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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