Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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