for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
