Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
