I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was confusing and full of hummus
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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