I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
