Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
