Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
