so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
