i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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