I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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