How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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