Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
