So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
