Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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