Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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