I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I cockslap morals
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
