There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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