Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
