Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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