I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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