i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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