Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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