so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
