the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
