i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
