I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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