$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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