I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
