Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
