just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I touched a dick in church today
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
