she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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