I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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