Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have feelings that need drinking.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
