69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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