The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
